NYC is TOTALLY DEAD

The Post knows it, that dude with the poofy hair on LinkedIn knows it, that other dude who got robbed in New Jersey but somehow made it de Blasio’s fault knows it. And we here at City & State know it too.

How do we all know NYC is dying? Oh, a little something called COLD, HARD FACTS! Read on and witness the funerary procession of unmarked moving vans for yourself.

-An Upper West Side landlord recently decried the sluggish real estate market after only receiving 27 applications for a $5,200-per-month walkup railroad apartment. 

-A 23-year-old tech executive feels trapped in his own home after an unidentified man asked him for a dollar. "I would've thought a neighborhood called 'Hell's Kitchen' was a nice, safe, area,” complained Chad Worthington III. 

-Cars were backed up for blocks trying to get into the Holland Tunnel.

-A totally not-self-interested real estate broker in Larchmont claimed she's inundated with buyers from the city. "You'd better put in an offer above asking on the first house you see up here, because the demand is overwhelming. Check is fine but cash is better.”

-Young artists in Ridgewood were overheard musing that they might be able to afford Williamsburg again.

-A stay-at-home mom from the West Village took to Instagram to mourn the vacant Financial District. The picture was actually of downtown Boston, and when reached for comment, she admitted she’s never been south of Canal Street. 

-A man in a red tracksuit and matching beret keeps taking up all the sidewalk space to “patrol.” He says the homeless men housed in nearby hotels are making the area unsafe for children, so he’s training teenagers to be vigilantes.

-The person who wrote this very article stepped on a piece of gum on the sidewalk, and now the gum will not scrape off her shoe. You better believe she’s leaving NYC the moment she can get her foot unstuck from the ground.